Today I had the priviledge of speaking for the Tampa Bay Professional Business Women’s group. We were doing some experiential exercises and discussing mis-directed ways of behaving. So tonight I want to share some thoughts I learned from one of my mentors, Bill Riedler on the subject of revenge.
Being unaware — In most instances a person hurting you or causing you to feel powerless, or angry is not aware of the effect they are having on you. You in turn often don’t stop and take note of the effect you are having on others.
Of course, I don’t want to acknowledge that if I am hurt over something big or small that my basic internal instinct is to go to revenge and hurt you back. Afterall, it isn’t socially acceptable to be a person who practices revenge. If I get labeled as a person who strikes back and causes hurt to others I will lose face and lose friends. Because of the hugh consequence of losing face if we act out in revenge human beings are quite adept at seemingly never doing anything to hurt anyone. I tell myself I’m a good person and I am certain that I always always always mean well. This internal and external conversation I have about being a good person allows me to hide from what I might consider my less worthy ways of being such as revenge.
There is a big reward for remaining unaware of my own misbehavior. I get to practice revenge or other socially unacceptable behavior yet have a clear conscience.
There is also a big cost of remaing unaware while my conscience remains clear I suffer the loss of broken relationships and I am banished from true loving connection with others. What I am suggesting is that looking to how I think and feel concerning whether I am a “good” person and whether I have a clear conscience doesn’t really work in a 100% predictable way.
A more powerful place to come from is a believe that my intentions always
AND I MEAN ALWAYS = MY RESULTS.
You don’t have to figure out if you are or have been involved in revenge. All you have to do is see if someone you are inrelationship with feels hurt. No matter what the cause — whether you think you did or didn’t do something to hurt them — the result that they feel hurt = somehow without my realizing it I was in revenge.
What I thought or felt or did or didn’t do is inmaterial — The facts of who was right or wrong and the circumstances surrounding the drama of it all are inmaterial — If in fact the other person feels hurt — it’s time for you to face up to it — to be aware — your true intention was not to be helpful — was not to be sweet and mean well – You practiced an act of revenge.
The way to then redirect your revenge is communication. You don’t have to defend or justify. You simply to allow the other person to communicate their feeling of hurt until they are empty. You listen — they talk — once the other party feels heard their hurt will dissapear — now create agreements as to how your future relationship will look and move on down the road.
Hugs and best of possibilities to you